I don’t exactly remember when, why, or how I discovered Matthew Hussey, a British dating guru and New York Times bestselling author. All I know is it was sometime in mid or late 2016, and I was just done with being what most would categorize as a “hopeless romantic.”

I refused to believe I was hopeless, but I was certainly starting to feel that way. At 29, I had been in a few serious relationships and have dated a bit but rarely beyond a couple of months’ time. My head was bombarding me with horrible thoughts: maybe I’m unlovable, maybe I’m impossible, maybe I’m just dating so I have people to write songs about, maybe I’m some sort of Samantha Jones of Sex and the City fame. Maybe, I thought, I wasn’t meant to fall in love.

Living a Lie

I always took pride in female empowerment. I keep telling myself, and my friends, that a person doesn’t need to have a partner in order to lead a happy life, that having someone special is an “add on” that would be nice to have but not required. But it’s so much easier said than done.

With most of my friends and family in relationships, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, I’m missing out on this part of the human experience.

That’s when I discovered Matthew. It started with a few YouTube videos, but I eventually ended up buying one of his books on talking with men. I started taking on the challenge of talking to guys. It’s been slim pickings where I lived at the time, so I decided to check out online dating.

Never Meant to Start a Fire

Downloaded Tinder and built a profile, and then started perusing the seemingly endless stream of supposedly available men in and around my city. Went out with a few, but often there just wasn’t enough chemistry or attraction to keep one or both parties interested.

By early next year, I had matched with someone who I had mistaken as a local. Turns out, he’s American but with Filipino parents. He was only going to be here for a short time, for his best friend’s wedding. He was probably just looking for someone to take as a date, because that’s what he asked me out to. Unfortunately it was in a very distant province and there was no way I was going to make it in such short notice.

However, we hit it off so hard that when he got back into my part of town after, we went out a few times and spent as much time as we could together. Think: speed dating on steroids. We had a ton of fun, but I asked him how it was going to be once he leaves.

He was honest – he just needed company and we probably wouldn’t even be able to talk as much due to the distance and time difference (I’m in Manila and he’d be back in Seattle). After all the time we spent plus an extra day he requested from his airline, we said our goodbyes and I had come to terms with the fact it was just a quick little fling. And yet, for some reason, we kept in touch still, and he eventually called himself my boyfriend.

I never meant to start this fire. In a relatively short amount of time, I went from casually dating someone to creating plans together – him moving to me or me moving to him. We started looking for jobs and apartments in each other’s cities. We had so many plans, and I finally had a new lease on life, thanks to a dating guru who helped me communicate better with a man whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I Wasn’t Worth the Wait

This man I fell in love with, turns out, needed someone to physically be there. I still hadn’t renewed my Philippine passport and US Visa at the time, and told him it’ll be about a bit of time before we see each other again.

We had called and texted everyday, but there was still miscommunication on both sides. He needed me to be there ASAP, while I needed to communicate as often as humanly possible. It just wasn’t working out. The first man in ages who made me feel special was giving up on me. Soon, he tried to dump me, but we stayed together for two more weeks until he had finally dumped me for good.

Over a Facebook message.

I died a little that day.

My confidence was shot, and it took me a while before I got back to “normal” again.

Getting Him Back or Someone Better

By the time I was in the US, I tried dating a couple of times, but a nagging voice inside my head said I wasn’t ready to go out while I’m clearly still not over him.

When I got back to the Philippines, I started working at night, which was a humongous obstacle from dating. I took approximately a year off from going out, and re-read Matthew’s book again.

By this time, he had created another book and course about getting your ex back or finding someone better. Desperate, I bought that one as well. I figured, if the first book worked for me, so will this.

But, did I really want my ex back?

Maybe. No. Not really. Everytime I look back at our relationship, I’d see where things went wrong, not just with myself but with him as well. Thanks to both Matthew’s book and a bit of personal introspection, I realized what I had created for myself: I now knew what I wanted – not who I wanted.

My ex had allowed me to create a standard for myself: the positive ways he treated me was what I wanted in someone, but not necessarily him. The negative ways he treated me were the things I would never tolerate again in people I date after.

Matthew was right – I woud either get my ex back or get someone better. But it was actually a byproduct. The actual result was me being more comfortable and confident in who I am, what I want, and who I want to be with! I was not expecting that result, but I am more than pleased with what I ended up with.

Got My Mojo Working Again

A significant time after that relationship ended, I had finally regained my mojo. I was again comfortable in my own skin, with additional standards when it comes to dating and relationships. I started going out again, and soon found myself in the most loving relationship I had ever been in.

As I had previously narrated, I had met my now boyfriend Aaron on Tinder, and the timing couldn’t be more right. When we got together, we both knew that what we got into was just what we both needed. We’re long distance for now, and that’s okay.

Thanks to the books I bought, I am now in a happy place in my life, with or without a man by my side. I bought those Matthew Hussey books with one thing in mind, but ended up with something else better than I ever bargained for: I got a better, more confident version of myself who doesn’t take shit – single or in a relationship.